Rockstar’s casting company Telsey and Company have listed a ”interactive project” codenamed ”Rush”” that some strongly believe sounds like a new Grand Theft Auto game. The cast list sounds like a game in which an FBI agent goes undercover into the Mexican drug trade.
The cast includes:
Mitch Hayes – 38 yrs old – Annoying, wise cracking, highly successful FBI agent. In great shape. Does triathlons, drinks low cal beer, but still has a sense of humor.
Miguel Gonzalez – 25 yrs old – Young Mexican American FBI agent, caught between a few mob bosses. Very clean cut
Clyde – 23 yrs old – Moronic, almost inbred and creepy white trash hillbilly. Very naïve but in a creepy ‘it’s only incest sort of way’
Brother Adam – 50 yrs old – Welsh monk, cult leader, yoga teacher, very lithe, very into exploring your personal tension through gripping massage. Needs Welsh accent.
Mrs Avery – 48 yrs old – Neurotic soccer mom, home maker, anxious and addled on pain killers. Very angry at neighbor MRS Bell.
Mrs Bell – 45 yrs old – Swinger, and mellow Californian divorcee. Ugly but comfortable with self.
Eddie – 47 yrs old – Weed evangelist, guy who started smoking at 30, and is now a leading proponent of marijuana’s fantastic properties. White, awkward.
Ira Bernstein – 56 yrs old – publicist for an actress known as America’s newest sweetheart who just so happens to love animals, orphans, drugs and sex. He’s always trying to hide her latest indiscretion.
Kevin De Silva – 18 yrs old – Albert’s fat, FPS playing gamer son. Smokes a lot of weed, has anxiety issues and a card for a bad back, very soft, very opinionated. Into making racist comments while playing online.
Harut Vartanyan – 42-52 yrs old – Armenian car dealer, moneylender, would be Fagin and would be bully. Heavily connected to the underworld, but irritates people so much no one likes him.
Nervous Jerry – 48 yrs old – paranoiac living in the sticks, near Simon, completely paranoid, and terrified of Simon.
Calvin North – 55 yrs old – clapped out FBI agent who now mostly works offering advice on TV shows – whose only claim to fame turns out to be entirely false – but a decent guy in other ways. Badly dressed. Divorced. Putting on weight.
Jerry Cole – 53 yrs old – disabled IT expert and criminal information vendor.
Rich Roberts – 35 yrs old – English hardman actor, who acts tough but who wants to do serious work – the only problem is he can’t quite read the words.
Alex – 52 yrs old – white, loosie goosie hippy rich guy who has lost his money and is getting desperate but trying not to.
Scarlet – 45-52 yrs old – unshaven female spiritualist and hippy with a love of exploring the wilderness. Very into journeys.
Chad – 29 yrs old – pretty boy misogynist Beverly Hills party boy. Made money, but not as cool as he thinks he is.
Tae Wong – 39 yrs old – somewhat incompetent Chinese mobster, loves doing ecstasy, going to raves.
Taes Translator – 45 yrs old – VERY STRAIGHT LACED Chinese translator, terrified of his boss’s dad. Male, awkward. Needs to speak Chinese.
Editor’s Note: We’ll be in touch with Rockstar Games about this tomorrow morning. Expect the usual ”no comment” reply though.
